Sunday, April 1, 2007

Sweet Mother of Christ, It's Been Too Goddamn Long

(After a Saturday evening performance.)

ME: Hey, so where's everybody going? Isn't anybody going out tonight?
SIARDE: Well, me and my girlfriend were going to go check out PI.
ME: PI? What, are we talking, like, Baker's Square pie, or the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter in Euclidean geometry pi?
SIARDE: Uh, it's a bar.
ME: Oh, okay. So, what, are there gonna be a lot of girls there?
SIARDE: Oh, yeah. Definitely. Tons.
ME: Sweet! I'll meet you there.

(At PI.)

ME: So, what are my chances of getting laid tonight?
SIARDE: Uh, probably not great.
ME: What, is there a cock detector at the door or something? Is some kind of alarm gonna sound when I walk in?
SIARDE: Yeah, something like that.
ME: Shit, you weren't kidding. There's a ton of hot girls here. Man, look at all of them! Wow, check out those two are doing! This place is...this...is a dyke bar. You brought me to a fucking dyke bar. Oh, fuck you, Siarde. Fuck you.
SIARDE: There's a five dollar cover. I don't really want to pay it.
ME: C'mon, we can cover it.
SIARDE: Fine. Let's go ahead and get raped.
ME: Uh, you mean economically, right?
SIARDE: Why don't you go ahead and get something to drink.

(Four drinks later.)

ME: WHAZZUP, MY SEXUALLY INACCESSIBLE BITCHES!
SIARDE: Uh, you doing all right, phil?
ME: Y'know, this is a lot like my idea of what hell would be. I'm gonna go home and masturbate so hard, bone marrow's gonna come out, you know what I'm saying?
SIARDE: Oh...oh yeah?
ME: I don't suppose there's a section for hot bi girls here, is there?
SIARDE: No. No, there isn't.
ME: Goddammit, I have all of this grade-A cock that's just withering on the vine.

Needless to say, I did not score.

4 comments:

Molly M. said...

"It's funny. America is built on this idea that you can achieve anything you want to achieve -- what's depressing is what most people want to achieve. We're always telling people to follow their dreams, but their dreams aren't to make the world a better place or to better themselves, their dreams are to have a big house or cut a record deal or have lots of sex, y'know? Dreams aren't by definition noble things."

I remember being told that. I remember the exact second I took those words in. I remember the feeling rising inside me that made me want to make dreams noble again and the desperation that came alonside it, knowing it was impossible.
Artistic Identity is hard, but I promise you, you won't find either dreams or dedication in bars. Maybe they live inside of you, but if they do, they aren't showing.

I just thought you should know that this kind of behavior isn't going to win any women over... not by a long shot. If you want to get serious in a relationship, then stop trying to 'score' and start dedicating yourself to who you want to be. Be what you want in return. If you want a wife, you first have to become someone who would make a good husband.
Keep that spark of passion and dedicate yourself to what you believe in. If your dreams happen to be those wanting to live every night like you just described- in a bar, getting drunk, yet still ending up alone at the end of the night... are they?
I hope not.
I surely hope not.

"It's not really an answer, but it's the best one I have."

Lee said...

Bahh. PABL's likely just as sally and harmless as I am.

I rarely leave St Paul and even *I* knew about that place.

Steph said...

HAHA! I've had my own dealings with gay bars that have turned out a bit like yours, except I knew before I got there what I was getting myself into. I wish I knew a single girl or two to introduce you to, but I hate girls and so my supply is limited--too much drama! :-/

I'm curious to know what this PI is all about. Mayhaps I shall go sometime; I'm always up for a good gay bar or two!

Cheers!

Anonymous said...

Oh my God Phillip, how terribly unsettling to read of my baby brother wanting to "get laid"! Say hi to Siarde for me. :)

Love from your big sister in Australia