Minority Report

So a lot of people have been asking me for my “take” on the 2008 elections, to which I usually respond that I’m amused to note that the Democrats have selected as their frontrunners a black guy and a woman. They then look at me with a kind of confused, hurt, bovine expression, and ask if I think that that’s really still an issue.

Look, maybe I’m just a cynic, but I can’t help thinking that the white guys’ fifty-five term winning streak is gonna be a hard one to break. My county just elected the first Muslim representative to Congress. He wanted to be sworn in on the Qu’ran, and the country went apeshit. And we’re, like, one of the most liberal states in the union! I’d love to be proven wrong on this, but c’mon. We’re not ready. We are all kinds of not ready for this.

Not that I’m one to talk, anyway — I’ve never supported a candidate that actually had a prayer of making it into office. This is why, every time the Democrats get bitch-slapped in an election year, I find myself clapping my hands and cackling “A-ha! You see? Now you see what I feel like every goddamn election!” Then I get recklessly drunk, curl up under my bed and start weeping, because it’s an emotionally fragile time and sometimes it’s okay to have a crutch.

I guess what I’d really like to see would be Jeb Bush vs. Hillary Clinton, because twenty years under the same two-family aristocracy just plain wasn’t enough for me.